MY ADDICTION CAME, AND STILL comes, in the form of fear and disappointment. I harass my mind into thinking that most things, if not everything, is unachievable, and that I'm alone even while standing in a crowd. My hope is often fleeting. I used to write notes to myself and leave them around the room, taped to the walls, because things got so bad. I called myself stupid... The notes said to doubt when I had every reason to believe, and to cling to pain, as it was my bittersweet reminder that fear wins every time.
I fight and I fight, and I fight. I work to make a change and I still try to do my best, especially when I'm convinced that the feelings that I feel are not possibly me. Not possibly human. Compliments are only good until I stand before a mirror and accomplishments are only gold until they're not.
Until the criminal inside my head says they're not.
And the worst kind of fear is a fear of one's own self.
ADDICTED, the second installment in my Lyrical Series, is only a fraction of my therapy, but it's probably the most important part. Because its theme is forcing me to think of myself and my mind in ways I never would have before. Never mind that I may rescind these thoughts the second they become words. I need this.
Sometimes it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to be addicted to the pain, the fear, and the disappointment. Sometimes it's okay to be lost at sea, shattered beneath the waves. Sometimes it's okay to stop fighting and give in. Because when I finally do, I know that it will destroy me so completely that there will be nothing left of that criminal I loathe. I don't want to be the version of me that I am with it, and if I have to wreck myself to make it so, I'll do it. I'll do it every time.
I'll let the addiction consume me.
Then I'll rebuild and begin my swim to shore.
ADDICTED will be shot on Monday, May 30th. This date is subject to change if the weather is bad. The dress will be designed by Jay Deschamps & the jewelry by Alayna Casey. To follow the live shoot, add me on Snapchat: dege20.